White Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are Fully Prepared for Pending Civil Unrest and Violence due to the Zombie Apocalypse as well as Simmering Racial Inequity. . . but Mostly the Zombie Apocalypse.

November 18, 2014

By Brian David

Ferguson, Mo police officers began going door-to-door, in predominantly Caucasian neighborhoods, two weeks ago to warn residents of possible civil unrest due to the inequities, and tensions surrounding race relations, which could be exacerbated by the Grand Jury decision on whether or not to indict Officer Wilson for shooting and killing the unarmed black teenager, Michael Brown.

Ferguson PD spokesperson, David Jamison explains that officers wanted residents to be ready to pick their kids up from private schools on short notice, be prepared to pay cancellation fees for tanning, manicure and pedicure appointments, have take out menus to their favorite restaurants readily available, allow their maids the week off and, just in case, to have plenty of canned food as well as cases of bottled water, toilet paper, automatic weapons and lots of ammunition.

Upon speaking with the Police Officers, “the most common question was, ‘are the zombies about to walk the earth?’,” says Mr. Jamison.  To which officers tried to inform the residents that, in fact, the city was riddled with racial and economic disparity, which had led to minorities being unhappy with their living conditions.

Looking over their tall security gates, manicured lawns, and empty guest houses, the Caucasian residents failed to see any problems with their city and became more and more convinced that the Police Department was trying to cover up an impending plague of Zombies by asking them to actually eat canned food and buy their own toilet paper.

“Look, the bottom line is we can’t MAKE them see racial and economic disparities within the city and country,” Mr. Jameson continued, “the main concern is that people will not be prepared, and if white people need to think they’re preparing for Zombies instead of an eruption of violence coming from the systemic racism they created, then as long as they stock up on Perrier, Grey Poupon, and 5.56 ammunition then we consider it a success.”

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