November 21, 2014

By Brian David

A note regarding this interview: Frank Ancona, an Imperial What’s-it of the Traditional Something-or-Other was only able to communicate via a Campbell’s soup can attached to a string due to the hactivists Anonymous having disabled any technology belonging to the hate group he leads from his mother’s basement.

Asked whether or not he thinks it’s reasonable to threaten to shoot any one, including white people, protesting the pending Grand Jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri, Frank Ancona clarifies “that wasn’t a threat so much as a statement to prepare people for the possibility that white people protesting the decision may be shot due to the difficulty of firing a rifle accurately with bed sheets or pillow-cases covering our faces.”

I then asked Frank Ancona about his most recent threats to shoot anyone wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and he had this to say: “Anonymous asked for this war, and all those people under those masks could be Anonymous.”

“Well, ” I said, “I think they’re wearing masks so that they can be anonymous.”

“Exactly, they’re like terrorists, those Anonymous people,” he said, interrupting me “so we should shoot them.”

“No, they’re like trick-or-treater-anonymous. Because they’re wearing masks, you don’t know who they are. . . making them anonymous, but not Anonymous anonymous” I said, hoping to clarify.

Angry, Frank said, “we simply don’t have it in the Ku Klux Klan budget this late in the fiscal year to pass out candy at the riots, unless Anonymous would allow us access to a Crowd funding site to raise money.”

Hoping to get back on track, I asked “Mr. Ancona, why is there such animosity between the Ku Klux Klan and Anonymous?”

“We were anonymous first, we’re still anonymous,” he stated, shortly after answering to the name Frank Ancona, “and it used to be the case that anyone could be anonymous so long as they owned bed sheets, or perhaps a duvet cover. Then, over a hundred years later, these uppity ‘Anonymous’ types started using these new-fangled, plastic doo-dad-thingies as masks to one-up us and we find that to be disrespectful.”

I then for some reason, inadvertently trying to bring the Ku Klux Klan into the present century, pointed out that plastic is cheap and available to everyone.

He objected on the grounds that they’d “be copying Anonymous copying us concealing our identities, which was invented by the Klan along with visually impaired horse riding.”

“So, to wrap this interview up, Mr. Imperial Wizard, Frank Ancona, what would you suggest Anonymous and other protestors do to not be shot by the Ku Klux Klan when the Grand Jury releases their decision?”

“Well,” Frank said, “if they could just not be Anonymous, that would probably help.”

I reminded Mr. Ancona that the Traditionalist Knights of America threatened to shoot anyone, whether protesting anonymously or not.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” he said, somewhat overwhelmed “and now we have to kill trick-or-treaters next year as well.”

I felt an urgent need to turn over the transcript of this interview to the closest Police Department so I ended the interview, absent-mindedly thanking him for his time and wishing him “luck,” as I do to everyone with whom I part company.

Note to self: don’t wish a member of the Ku Klux Klan “luck.”