November 24, 2014
By Brian David
Holding a press conference after meeting with mathematicians and economists who now stood on either side of him as he spoke, the normally confident-looking Republican Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul seemed a little confused.
“There is a lot of fuss about this 22% gender pay gap, this uh, lesser wage that some women claim women aren’t being paid,” Senator Paul began, “and I thought it necessary to find out exactly what this 22% was, what it meant, I mean.”
After making eye contact with an economist, and nodding, he began again “so, what is this 22%?” he asked and then paused for an excruciatingly long period of time to allow the question to really settle in.
“I’ll tell ya’, it’s awful damned confusing is what it is. This gender pay gap estimate, this 22% exists because feminists claim women are paid 22% less for doing the same amount of work as men, and that just can’t be proven- that women do the same amount of work, I mean, not by a properly run democratic government it can’t anyway.”
“To prove that,” Rand Paul continued, “would require the government to interfere with and regulate businesses that employed women, and women don’t vote for a republican majority to have the government regulate businesses.”
“So, you see the existing paradigm is the problem-“ Rand Paul was abruptly interrupted by an advisor whispering into his ear, before correcting himself, “the problem that exists is a paradox, a paradox that doesn’t make sense to solve.”
Seemingly satisfied, Senator Paul stepped away from the nest of microphones atop the podium. And then, remembering something, again spoke to the crowd, “there is also this problem of a claim that we are waging a war on women,” a topic Rand Paul has been bringing up with more regularity as of late.
“And if we’re waging a war on women, I ask you, does it make sense to give them more money? I mean, did we give Saddam Hussein more money when we were at war with him and he asked for it?”
“Y’all think about those feminist ideas for a while,” the Senator said poking his index finger toward the reporters to emphasize the word “those.”
He then turned to the economists and mathematicians around him, lifted his arms and smiled as if to say, “see, I nailed it” before buttoning his sports jacket, walking to a waiting car and disappearing.