Comedy Writers Nationwide Feel Somewhat Stifled by the Unbelievable Levels of Gratitude and Empathy Being Expressed by Otherwise Terrible People.


November 27, 2014

By Brian David

“I mean, President Obama hijacks national television to extol the virtues of family and togetherness,” begins one comedian whose curmudgeonly humor totally kills on every other day of the year, “and that makes it difficult to wittily remind people that he literally blows families and family members apart, both bodily and geographically, with drone strikes.”

Another comedian calls attention to Senator Rand Paul asking everyone to give credit to the Lord for our feast, while completely ignoring the fact that he rips off Wikipedia with a frequency and volume that would make a writer of “original” pop songs blush.

“And I’m the asshole” says a nationally published satirist, “when I remind people that mostly I’m thankful the Lord doesn’t deem it necessary to dole out another Tsunami to mark another great capitalist-Christian holiday.”

Health Conscious Rioters Credit Fitbit Technology with Broadening the Range of their Fiery Destruction in Ferguson, Missouri.


November 26, 2014

By Brian David

Although it was not designed with the destruction of civilian infrastructure in mind, the Fitbit Flex serves to remind rioters, looters, and arsonists to move on to the next breakable and/or flammable structure after a certain period of time.

One Ferguson protestor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to the likelihood of multiple felony charges resulting from being identified said, “it’s a beautiful thing, to set something on fire, I really like to watch things burn. . . and then this awesome technology gives a jolt to remind me that there are other things to burn further on down the road.”

Attempts to reach Fitbit were unsuccessful, though one has to imagine the pride felt by a company who is contributing so much to the justice and righting-of-wrongs taking place in Ferguson, Mo.

Senator Rand Paul Says Solving The Gender Pay Gap Would Require Government Regulation Of Businesses, And Women Don’t Vote Republican To See More Government Regulations.




November 24, 2014

By Brian David

Holding a press conference after meeting with mathematicians and economists who now stood on either side of him as he spoke, the normally confident-looking Republican Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul seemed a little confused.

“There is a lot of fuss about this 22% gender pay gap, this uh, lesser wage that some women claim women aren’t being paid,” Senator Paul began, “and I thought it necessary to find out exactly what this 22% was, what it meant, I mean.”

After making eye contact with an economist, and nodding, he began again “so, what is this 22%?” he asked and then paused for an excruciatingly long period of time to allow the question to really settle in.

“I’ll tell ya’, it’s awful damned confusing is what it is. This gender pay gap estimate, this 22% exists because feminists claim women are paid 22% less for doing the same amount of work as men, and that just can’t be proven- that women do the same amount of work, I mean, not by a properly run democratic government it can’t anyway.”

“To prove that,” Rand Paul continued, “would require the government to interfere with and regulate businesses that employed women, and women don’t vote for a republican majority to have the government regulate businesses.”

“So, you see the existing paradigm is the problem-“ Rand Paul was abruptly interrupted by an advisor whispering into his ear, before correcting himself, “the problem that exists is a paradox, a paradox that doesn’t make sense to solve.”

Seemingly satisfied, Senator Paul stepped away from the nest of microphones atop the podium. And then, remembering something, again spoke to the crowd, “there is also this problem of a claim that we are waging a war on women,” a topic Rand Paul has been bringing up with more regularity as of late.

“And if we’re waging a war on women, I ask you, does it make sense to give them more money? I mean, did we give Saddam Hussein more money when we were at war with him and he asked for it?”

“Y’all think about those feminist ideas for a while,” the Senator said poking his index finger toward the reporters to emphasize the word “those.”

He then turned to the economists and mathematicians around him, lifted his arms and smiled as if to say, “see, I nailed it” before buttoning his sports jacket, walking to a waiting car and disappearing.

“Your Being ‘Anonymous’ Ripped Off Our ‘Original Idea’ of being anonymous,” says an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.



November 21, 2014

By Brian David

A note regarding this interview: Frank Ancona, an Imperial What’s-it of the Traditional Something-or-Other was only able to communicate via a Campbell’s soup can attached to a string due to the hactivists Anonymous having disabled any technology belonging to the hate group he leads from his mother’s basement.

Asked whether or not he thinks it’s reasonable to threaten to shoot any one, including white people, protesting the pending Grand Jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri, Frank Ancona clarifies “that wasn’t a threat so much as a statement to prepare people for the possibility that white people protesting the decision may be shot due to the difficulty of firing a rifle accurately with bed sheets or pillow-cases covering our faces.”

I then asked Frank Ancona about his most recent threats to shoot anyone wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and he had this to say: “Anonymous asked for this war, and all those people under those masks could be Anonymous.”

“Well, ” I said, “I think they’re wearing masks so that they can be anonymous.”

“Exactly, they’re like terrorists, those Anonymous people,” he said, interrupting me “so we should shoot them.”

“No, they’re like trick-or-treater-anonymous. Because they’re wearing masks, you don’t know who they are. . . making them anonymous, but not Anonymous anonymous” I said, hoping to clarify.

Angry, Frank said, “we simply don’t have it in the Ku Klux Klan budget this late in the fiscal year to pass out candy at the riots, unless Anonymous would allow us access to a Crowd funding site to raise money.”

Hoping to get back on track, I asked “Mr. Ancona, why is there such animosity between the Ku Klux Klan and Anonymous?”

“We were anonymous first, we’re still anonymous,” he stated, shortly after answering to the name Frank Ancona, “and it used to be the case that anyone could be anonymous so long as they owned bed sheets, or perhaps a duvet cover. Then, over a hundred years later, these uppity ‘Anonymous’ types started using these new-fangled, plastic doo-dad-thingies as masks to one-up us and we find that to be disrespectful.”

I then for some reason, inadvertently trying to bring the Ku Klux Klan into the present century, pointed out that plastic is cheap and available to everyone.

He objected on the grounds that they’d “be copying Anonymous copying us concealing our identities, which was invented by the Klan along with visually impaired horse riding.”

“So, to wrap this interview up, Mr. Imperial Wizard, Frank Ancona, what would you suggest Anonymous and other protestors do to not be shot by the Ku Klux Klan when the Grand Jury releases their decision?”

“Well,” Frank said, “if they could just not be Anonymous, that would probably help.”

I reminded Mr. Ancona that the Traditionalist Knights of America threatened to shoot anyone, whether protesting anonymously or not.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” he said, somewhat overwhelmed “and now we have to kill trick-or-treaters next year as well.”

I felt an urgent need to turn over the transcript of this interview to the closest Police Department so I ended the interview, absent-mindedly thanking him for his time and wishing him “luck,” as I do to everyone with whom I part company.

Note to self: don’t wish a member of the Ku Klux Klan “luck.”

White Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are Fully Prepared for Pending Civil Unrest and Violence due to the Zombie Apocalypse as well as Simmering Racial Inequity. . . but Mostly the Zombie Apocalypse.

November 18, 2014

By Brian David

Ferguson, Mo police officers began going door-to-door, in predominantly Caucasian neighborhoods, two weeks ago to warn residents of possible civil unrest due to the inequities, and tensions surrounding race relations, which could be exacerbated by the Grand Jury decision on whether or not to indict Officer Wilson for shooting and killing the unarmed black teenager, Michael Brown.

Ferguson PD spokesperson, David Jamison explains that officers wanted residents to be ready to pick their kids up from private schools on short notice, be prepared to pay cancellation fees for tanning, manicure and pedicure appointments, have take out menus to their favorite restaurants readily available, allow their maids the week off and, just in case, to have plenty of canned food as well as cases of bottled water, toilet paper, automatic weapons and lots of ammunition.

Upon speaking with the Police Officers, “the most common question was, ‘are the zombies about to walk the earth?’,” says Mr. Jamison.  To which officers tried to inform the residents that, in fact, the city was riddled with racial and economic disparity, which had led to minorities being unhappy with their living conditions.

Looking over their tall security gates, manicured lawns, and empty guest houses, the Caucasian residents failed to see any problems with their city and became more and more convinced that the Police Department was trying to cover up an impending plague of Zombies by asking them to actually eat canned food and buy their own toilet paper.

“Look, the bottom line is we can’t MAKE them see racial and economic disparities within the city and country,” Mr. Jameson continued, “the main concern is that people will not be prepared, and if white people need to think they’re preparing for Zombies instead of an eruption of violence coming from the systemic racism they created, then as long as they stock up on Perrier, Grey Poupon, and 5.56 ammunition then we consider it a success.”