Budding Pick Up Artists Leave Hours-Long Bill Cosby Seminar With New Sense Of Sexual Prowess.
November 28, 2014
By Brian David
Julien Blanc, of Real Social Dynamics, says of his being banned from Australia and legendary comedian Bill Cosby’s speaking engagement schedule simultaneously being cleared, “really, the timing could not have been better.”
Mr. Blanc says he approached Bill Cosby at one of his local haunts during the lunch hour, and established what he calls “kino” by lightly touching the comedian’s arm while asking an innocuous question about whether or not he likes to brush his teeth before flossing. “Y’know, just to open the conversation” Julien says, imparting some of the wisdom of his trade.
“It was one of the easiest closes. . . ever,” the controversial Pick Up Artist and guru says of convincing Bill Cosby to give a lecture at a Pick Up Artist convention in San Diego this last week.
Asked about the moral implications of booking a man who is alleged to have chemically incapacitated and then sexually assaulted almost 20 women, Julien Blanc said this of Bill Cosby, “look, he’s got the knowledge about how to bed almost 20 women, and there’s no set rule about performance enhancing drugs in Pick Up Artistry.”
Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.
Comedy Writers Nationwide Feel Somewhat Stifled by the Unbelievable Levels of Gratitude and Empathy Being Expressed by Otherwise Terrible People.
November 27, 2014
By Brian David
“I mean, President Obama hijacks national television to extol the virtues of family and togetherness,” begins one comedian whose curmudgeonly humor totally kills on every other day of the year, “and that makes it difficult to wittily remind people that he literally blows families and family members apart, both bodily and geographically, with drone strikes.”
Another comedian calls attention to Senator Rand Paul asking everyone to give credit to the Lord for our feast, while completely ignoring the fact that he rips off Wikipedia with a frequency and volume that would make a writer of “original” pop songs blush.
“And I’m the asshole” says a nationally published satirist, “when I remind people that mostly I’m thankful the Lord doesn’t deem it necessary to dole out another Tsunami to mark this great capitalist-Christian holiday.”
Health Conscious Rioters Credit Fitbit Technology with Broadening the Range of their Fiery Destruction in Ferguson, Missouri.
November 26, 2014
By Brian David
Although it was not designed with the destruction of civilian infrastructure in mind, the Fitbit Flex serves to remind rioters, looters, and arsonists to move on to the next breakable and/or flammable structure after a certain period of time.
One Ferguson protestor, who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to the likelihood of multiple felony charges resulting from being identified said, “it’s a beautiful thing, to set something on fire, I really like to watch things burn. . . and then this awesome technology gives a jolt to remind me that there are other things to burn further on down the road.”
Attempts to reach Fitbit were unsuccessful, though one has to imagine the pride felt by a company who is contributing so much to the justice and righting-of-wrongs taking place in Ferguson, Mo.
God “Frustrated by Geo-Cultural Diversity” And “Tired of Learning New Languages.”
November 25, 2014
By Brian David
After another previously unknown tribe emerged from the Brazilian jungle having no idea why they should imagine eating a corpse while eating a cracker, the lord felt He could no longer remain silent on the issue of his failure to effectively spread the good news around the world.
“Geo-cultural diversity is a huge problem,” the lord said, “would you believe some places in the world don’t have sheep, cattle, or even goats- how am I supposed to explain Jesus being a shepherd of people to these people?”
“And then there’s the problem of all the languages; quite frankly I’m tired of learning them.”
When asked if perhaps He should have waited to introduce the self-sacrifice motif until humans were more spread out though better connected, He responded, “as if I needed another reason to regret learning English, thanks for that question.”
And then, silence. . .
Senator Rand Paul Says Solving The Gender Pay Gap Would Require Government Regulation Of Businesses, And Women Don’t Vote Republican To See More Government Regulations.
November 24, 2014
By Brian David
Holding a press conference after meeting with mathematicians and economists who now stood on either side of him as he spoke, the normally confident-looking Republican Senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul seemed a little confused.
“There is a lot of fuss about this 22% gender pay gap, this uh, lesser wage that some women claim women aren’t being paid,” Senator Paul began, “and I thought it necessary to find out exactly what this 22% was, what it meant, I mean.”
After making eye contact with an economist, and nodding, he began again “so, what is this 22%?” he asked and then paused for an excruciatingly long period of time to allow the question to really settle in.
“I’ll tell ya’, it’s awful damned confusing is what it is. This gender pay gap estimate, this 22% exists because feminists claim women are paid 22% less for doing the same amount of work as men, and that just can’t be proven- that women do the same amount of work, I mean, not by a properly run democratic government it can’t anyway.”
“To prove that,” Rand Paul continued, “would require the government to interfere with and regulate businesses that employed women, and women don’t vote for a republican majority to have the government regulate businesses.”
“So, you see the existing paradigm is the problem-“ Rand Paul was abruptly interrupted by an advisor whispering into his ear, before correcting himself, “the problem that exists is a paradox, a paradox that doesn’t make sense to solve.”
Seemingly satisfied, Senator Paul stepped away from the nest of microphones atop the podium. And then, remembering something, again spoke to the crowd, “there is also this problem of a claim that we are waging a war on women,” a topic Rand Paul has been bringing up with more regularity as of late.
“And if we’re waging a war on women, I ask you, does it make sense to give them more money? I mean, did we give Saddam Hussein more money when we were at war with him and he asked for it?”
“Y’all think about those feminist ideas for a while,” the Senator said poking his index finger toward the reporters to emphasize the word “those.”
He then turned to the economists and mathematicians around him, lifted his arms and smiled as if to say, “see, I nailed it” before buttoning his sports jacket, walking to a waiting car and disappearing.
Residents Of Ferguson And St Louis, Missouri Who Own Businesses, A Conscience, And An Appreciation Of Jurisprudence Are Encouraged To Be Thankful For These Things As Soon As Possible, In Lieu of Waiting for Thanksgiving.
November 24, 2014
By Brian David
Breaking News: Last night, Ferguson’s Police Chief, Thomas Jackson, politely asked members of the local Chamber of Commerce to bow their heads in a prayer of Thanksgiving.
He acknowledged the irregularity of marking Thanksgiving so early while explaining that he wished to express thanks for the many things that are in existence today that likely will not exist by this Thursday.
“Un-charred, still-standing buildings, a constituency not brutalized by police officers, and the Grand Jury’s legitimate claim of plausible deniability regarding whether or not they perfunctorily executed their duties” are some of the things for which Chief Jackson fears he may not be able to feel thankful for for very long.
Pilots Who Fired Rockets Into Palestine Are Unable to Agree on Whose Weapons Did the Most Damage to Infrastructure, and Civilian Population.
November 23, 2014
By Brian David
Case in point: following a flight that resulted in “a whole bunch of rockets” being fired into what the three fighter pilots- a Captain, a Lieutenant, and a Major -were told were Hamas targets with significant strategic value, the three could not come to a consensus as to who fired the most lethal and damaging weapons into the civilian population center.
The location: an unnamed, formerly densely populated area of the Gaza strip, was represented by a series of black and white photographs strewn across a coffee-stained wooden table in the Fighter Wing command center.
The Captain insists that a half collapsed, badly charred, and still smoking two-story building that looks suspiciously like a school designed by Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold was, in fact, the result of one of the rockets fired from his F16 Fighting Falcon.
The Lieutenant disagrees, having noticed a truck delivering propane to what appeared to be a soup kitchen and make-shift field hospital directly across the street from the school, she claims she fired a hellfire missile into the truck, thus resulting in the school being damaged-beyond-repair.
After studying the photographs silently for a little while, the Major broke his silence, “I’m not even sure these pictures are from the mission we completed today.”
Upon closer inspection, it appeared there were no date and time stamps on any of the mission photos, meaning it was impossible to determine when, let alone who destroyed the areas pictured.
Initiating a new SOP, the Major insisted that if the pilots were to continue to claim responsibility for damage to civilian areas they’d need to document each mission with personal cell phones while operating multimillion dollar fighter jets, while also firing rockets accurately enough to only kill enemy personnel.
Exiting the room in a huff, the Major said, “I’m supposed to send pictures of today’s death and destruction to Fox News this morning and now I don’t even know when this urban area was destroyed- Bill O’Reilly is gonna be pissed!”
“Your Being ‘Anonymous’ Ripped Off Our ‘Original Idea’ of being anonymous,” says an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, regarding the ever escalating conflict between “Anonymous” and The Traditionalist American Knights in Ferguson, Missouri.
November 21, 2014
By Brian David
A note regarding this interview: Frank Ancona, an Imperial What’s-it of the Traditional Something-or-Other was only able to communicate via a Campbell’s soup can attached to a string due to the hactivists Anonymous having disabled any technology belonging to the hate group he leads from his mother’s basement.
Asked whether or not he thinks it’s reasonable to threaten to shoot any one, including white people, protesting the pending Grand Jury decision in Ferguson, Missouri, Frank Ancona clarifies “that wasn’t a threat so much as a statement to prepare people for the possibility that white people protesting the decision may be shot due to the difficulty of firing a rifle accurately with bed sheets or pillow-cases covering our faces.”
I then asked Frank Ancona about his most recent threats to shoot anyone wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and he had this to say: “Anonymous asked for this war, and all those people under those masks could be Anonymous.”
“Well, ” I said, “I think they’re wearing masks so that they can be anonymous.”
“Exactly, they’re like terrorists, those Anonymous people,” he said, interrupting me “so we should shoot them.”
“No, they’re like trick-or-treater-anonymous. Because they’re wearing masks, you don’t know who they are. . . making them anonymous” I said, interrupting him in turn, hoping to clarify.
Angry, Frank said, “we simply don’t have it in the Ku Klux Klan budget this late in the fiscal year to pass out candy at the riots, unless Anonymous would allow us access to a Crowd funding site to raise money.”
Hoping to get back on track, I asked “Mr. Ancona, why is there such animosity between the Ku Klux Klan and Anonymous?”
“We were anonymous first, we’re still anonymous,” he stated, shortly after answering to the name Frank Ancona, “and it used to be the case that anyone could be anonymous so long as they owned bed sheets, or perhaps a duvet cover. Then, over a hundred years later, these uppity ‘Anonymous’ types started using these new-fangled, plastic doo-dad-thingies as masks to one-up us and we find that to be disrespectful.”
I then for some reason, inadvertently trying to bring the Ku Klux Klan into the present century, pointed out that plastic is cheap and available to everyone.
He objected on the grounds that they’d “be copying Anonymous copying us concealing our identities, which was invented by the Klan along with visually impaired horse riding.”
“So, to wrap this interview up, Mr. Imperial Wizard, Frank Ancona, what would you suggest Anonymous and other protestors do to not be shot by the Ku Klux Klan when the Grand Jury releases their decision?”
“Well,” Frank said, “if they could just not be Anonymous, that would probably help.”
I reminded Mr. Ancona that the Traditionalist Knights of America threatened to shoot anyone, whether protesting anonymously or not.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” he said, somewhat overwhelmed “and now we have to kill trick-or-treaters next year as well.”
I felt an urgent need to turn over the transcript of this interview to the closest Police Department so I ended the interview, absent-mindedly thanking him for his time and wishing him “luck,” as I do to everyone with whom I part company.
Note to self: don’t wish a member of the Ku Klux Klan “luck.”
Kim Kardashian, Defending Her Photoshopped Nude Pictorial In Paper Magazine, Says She Has Just Three Words For Critics: “you need to get a life and stop body-shaming my photoshopped body.”
November 19, 2014
By Brian David
Specifically addressing what she says is a particularly popular comment on several websites, Kim K. asks, “if you prick my photoshopped body, does it not bleed?” Proving conclusively that she does not understand what internet commenters mean when they say they “want to put it in her.”
Asked whether or not she feels at least partially responsible for young women developing unrealistic body standards, Kim Kardashian asks in turn, “I don’t know, am I partially responsible for being born with an ass that is ridiculously well-suited to being photoshopped?”
“This isn’t about me, or how perfect computers can make my body appear, or my ability to serve possibly E. Coli contaminated, pink-eye-spreading champagne off of my naked ass,” Kardashian explained, “this is about whether or not people think Kanye West, several dozen men, and a few medium-sized hairless pets, would sexually penetrate a normal, non-digitally-enhanced ass on a regular basis.”
“What I think is unreasonable,” Kardashian continued, “is that people expected me to have an ugly, stretch mark-streaked ass after having a baby, as though, like, I would actually get my post-pregnancy ass pictures taken at the local mall like every other new mom.”
Kim Kardashian terminated the interview rather abruptly, standing up and saying, “I’m just done talking about my ass for now. . . until the photoshoot I have scheduled next month.”
She then said “you’re welcome,” presumably for my having gotten some rare face-to-ass time that didn’t require any blood tests or rash cream.
White Residents of Ferguson, Missouri are Fully Prepared for Pending Civil Unrest and Violence due to the Zombie Apocalypse as well as Simmering Racial Inequity. . . but Mostly the Zombie Apocalypse.
November 18, 2014
By Brian David
Ferguson, Mo police officers began going door-to-door, in predominantly Caucasian neighborhoods, two weeks ago to warn residents of possible civil unrest due to the inequities, and tensions surrounding race relations, which could be exacerbated by the Grand Jury decision on whether or not to indict Officer Wilson for shooting and killing the unarmed black teenager, Michael Brown.
Ferguson PD spokesperson, David Jamison explains that officers wanted residents to be ready to pick their kids up from private schools on short notice, be prepared to pay cancellation fees for tanning, manicure and pedicure appointments, have take out menus to their favorite restaurants readily available, allow their maids the week off and, just in case, to have plenty of canned food as well as cases of bottled water, toilet paper, automatic weapons and lots of ammunition.
Upon speaking with the Police Officers, “the most common question was, ‘are the zombies about to walk the earth?’,” says Mr. Jamison.
To which officers tried to inform the residents that, in fact, the city was riddled with racial and economic disparity, which had led to minorities being unhappy with their living conditions. Looking over their tall security gates, manicured lawns, and empty guest houses, the Caucasian residents failed to see any problems with their city and became more and more convinced that the Police Department was trying to cover up an impending plague of Zombies by asking them to actually eat canned food and buy their own toilet paper.
“Look, the bottom line is we can’t MAKE them see racial and economic disparities within the city and country,” Mr. Jameson continued, “the main concern is that people will not be prepared, and if white people need to think they’re preparing for Zombies instead of an eruption of violence coming from the systemic racism they created, then as long as they stock up on Evian, Grey Poupon, and 5.56 ammunition then we consider it a success.”